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The Hulk

Starring: Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliot and Josh Lucas
Directed by: Ang Lee

 

 

The Hulk is an abomination in oh-so-many ways! It starts off as slow as frozen molasses then suddenly speeds up and becomes this altered state of half Acme cartoon half summer action flick. Yechy poodle poo! Eric Bana (an Aussie manly man import) is given a hair thin character and you can almost see the pain on his face - I think they meant his look of agony to be from the "morphing" but deep within, you could see his soul was screaming! And Jennifer Connelly who plays the smart girly scientist smitten with the hunk who will become the Hulk, is one of those girls that you can count the dialog beats to the tears…1-2-3 cry…. 1-2-3 cry. Argh.

The crapfest extravaganza comic book based story goes…poor little Bruce has a secret. Seems Bruce's oddball scientist gone-mad father David Banner (Paul Kersey) was shooting top-secret formula on the top-secret base. His superior Ross (Todd Tesseon) fires him- kinda - so David blows up the place and heads home…

Meanwhile this poor little Bruce inherited "something" from pappa nutcase.

Then we shoot years ahead and Bruce (Eric Bana) is with a new family (? NOTE: Annoying Script Point #1 We will learn about ten scenes later what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened ) and working in the very same field as his father (<- insert dramatic music).

His dad, who he was told was dead, shows up (now as crusty Nick Nolte) and starts to let the lad in on the truth…meanwhile thanks to a mishap in the lab, Bruce's altered DNA bubbles and Bruce bursts into this big green hulk fella. (Note: Annoying Script Point #2 he turns into a thirteen foot cgi zombie who's pants rip only to shorts -- but everything else shreds away)

His gal pal, Betty Ross (Jennifer Connelly) wants to help but she just doesn't know what's wrong (and cries a lot- bordering on ASP #3 ).

But she 'll be involved soon enough! Bruce's demented father sends Hulk formula injected canines after her and Bruce must morph if he's to save her. Enter Betty's dad Ross (now Sam Elliot) and a super smarmy chemical developer named Talbot (Josh Lucas). Talbot for some unexplained reason/phenomenon (ASP#4) seems to control the military and a lair that frankly looked JUST like Dr. Evil's notorious den of mayhem!

Talbot wants a piece of Bruce as The Hulk to create - what else - a super army and rule the world….Ross wants to protect his teary-eyed daughter from the second generation brute Bruce and more revenge on Bruce's washed up psycho dad David.

Please please make it end.

Admittedly as I typed this, the story sounds okay …but you see each time Bruce morphs he becomes a plainly cgi graphic of some angry violent dope and the people (even comicbook people) don't make a bit of sense.

On a positive note you may wanna learn a bit more about the talent behind the lad called Eric Bana. Here? Lordy no. Rent an Aussie film called Chopper. It's about a robust bounty hunter (Bana ala sporting a few more pounds- stuffed like a knockwurst) who likes to give his clients the old chop chop. It's richly Australian. I sure hope this piece of celluloid poo won't affect the studmuffin's script choices on our shores…

All right Jennifer Connelly needs an intervention before she slips into a Hollywood paycheck coma!

Sam Elliot, who plays the angry military man and cry baby's daddy Ross, looked as if he was high- reefer in the trailer for an hour prior to shooting high - in his scenes. Horrific work.

Josh Lucas was aaaaaahhhhhdorable. He gives great smarmy! Nick Nolte creeps up the screen adequately. The cast is really quite good…. too bad the film isn't. The upside is with the collosal failure this monstrosity is about to become maybe the bell will toll for comic book blockbusters.

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