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Femme Fatale

Starring: Rebecca Romijn Stamos, and Antonio Banderas
Directed by: Brian DePalma
Rated: R

 


Femme Fatale is nothing more than the fantasy-come-to-life of a few studio execs and director/writer Brian DePalma in the middle of, apparently, some sort mid-life crisis.

Obviously this "brilliant" (read: pure sarcasm) film fiasco birthed its horned crested head as each man added a personal fantasy fave to the "oh yeah and have her do this" chickpot of toil and trouble in some bar-n-cigar emporium deep in the catacombs of Beverly Hills.

Oh yeah, heterosexual males everywhere will line up for this explaining to their significant others, "Honey it's a Brian DePalma film. You know how much I love him…" A deep respect that coincidentally coincided with the release date of this film, no doubt.

Basically Femme Fatale is soft porn with Rebecca Rojinironin Stamos plastered across a theater screen that costs 10.00 bucks to view instead of .25. They have her in, I imagine, nearly every sexual scenario men have on their "just once" sexual wish list…she's slinking around half naked - a given - but she also has lengthy lesbian scenes, does a strip tease in a seedy jukebox joint and then has - extremely quick - rabid Rhesus monkey sex on the pool table.

Puh- lease! You know her costar, usually handsome Antonio Banderas, is not afraid to get naked (see Original Sin) so you think they could have thrown me a bone, er, a bum shot? Nothing. And his hair needed some Prell yesterday. Just gross. So the movie stunk and I didn't get to see Antonio's naked bum dance any jig of love.

The story, like any good porn, is irrelevant. Laura (Rebecca - perfect body - Romijn Stamos) is a bad, bad girl. Her latest scam is down in Cannes you know with its famous film festival. Naturally Cannes is in full swing and riddled with celebrities. No doubt this film was thought up on the Air France flight back to Los Angeles last year…

Anyway, one particular gal is wearing a simple 500-carat snake-bra get up (porn fantasy ref. 1298534). Laura's mission? Seduce the scarcely clad reptilian sporting gal via fondling and groping and escape with the snake -bra diamond thingy.

It's cool diamonds, bad men, and a hot lipstick lesbian. She gets the diamonds but feels she's worked hard for the money and she double-crosses the boys.

Now she must leave Paris…. quick.

Then in one of the worst and most confusing scenes within a scene in the history of film - I mean it makes David Lynch seem fluent and immediately comprehendible! - She assumes the identity of another girl, Lily, who happens to be her twin (porn fantasy plot ref. 18726). At this point the audience is not sure where they are - it is DePalma so we go along knowing eventually we'll catch up.

Somehow - thanks to fate and fantastical bullet holed plot kinetics, Lily/Laura marries a statesman who eventually turns ambassador who eventually bring her back to Paris. OH NO> That's the one place she should never go…remember those guys she ripped off? Insert melodramatic music here please.

Oddly it's a comedy of sorts and in between the gratuitous sex scenes Rebecca gets some funny lines and Banderos gets to try on some accents and mannerisms. BUT, and here's the point, WHY? I mean why are we sitting there watching this awful seamless film? This is a throw away piece of celluloiud crap that every red blooded man in the world will have on their Christmas and Chanukah gift list- that's about it.

Snack recommendation: Café Lattes on route to another theater.

 

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