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Exit Wounds

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100 % Steven Seagal— to the tenth power, squared. 'Nough said? I laughed so hard I nearly soiled myself. Don't get me wrong I love the big burly quiet dope...But really, 3219764,000 bullets flying past his motorcycling torso and helmet-less head and not a scratch! Not a one touches his big beautiful head! C'mon...How can you help but grin with glee?

Just once I would like to see a shoot-out where the good guys or bad guys; 1. Actually stop when they get shot- doesn't it hurt real bad? 2. Someone on either side shoot the friggin' TIRES out! Thusly, stopping the fleeing car (s) almost dead in it's tracks, or at least screech along.

In Exit Wounds we actually watch a SUV fly out a parking garage opening from, the 2nd or 3rd floor mind you, and careen onward with only a bumper displaced. Tah! I went over a bottle-cap at the 7/11 last night and my tire popped like a bottle of Champagne at Soderbergh's house on Golden Globe night.

Exit Wounds story goes...Orin Boyd (Steven "Does this XXXL tee make me look big? You wouldn't lie?" Seagal) is new at his precinct in Detroit. Immediately the fellow goon-style cops initiate him with high-school locker room shenanigans involving manly games with electrical shock. Please. He handles them in that Seagal Zen™ manner which has grossed the hefty actor like a gizillion dollars.

Oh, what's this? Corruption? Ya don't say...Didn't see that coming. Boyd's finding out about various fellow nights in blue extra income earning shindigs.

There's lots of heroin, rap and nice cars! Where's the...Action? There's plenty of that! A tiny pinch of dialog squeezes in between the unbelievable (literally) chase, hostage, uniformed bad-guy cops, and bust scenes. A stress relieving laugh a frame...

Everyone wants to know how DMX did. How do you think? Who cares if he can actually act LOOK at the guy! He's a good looking slice of chocolately sweet bundtcake isn't he? A yumsicle mantreat. Music is his game though...

The real scene stealer is Anthony Anderson. He was in that gawd awful See Spot Run (best forgotten and forgiven) and Me Myself and Irene (one of Carrey's son's) What a funny, natural actor. I actually had that rare phenomenon of "after laugh" remembering his retorts in the final scenes with his costar Tom Arnold...Keep your eyes on him we have a new star here.

Tom Arnold ( is he married again yet? He had that whole web "marry me" promo?— I'd do him) He's like the only cocaine-headed rapid style delivery guy without the actual need for the cocaine. He always goes on and on about his addictions; which apparently included just about anything he could snort, f(*&, drink or swallow. He's squeaky clean now and I can only imagine what this lunatic was like "doped" up. Mr. Kinetic's a treat to watch, I think.

It's Steven Seagal —Steven Seagal 101 folks! You want believable? Rent a John Malkovich movie 'k?

You either like Seagal's stuff or you don't. I do.

Though, Steven's so much more enjoyable after a bad day within the public drones, popped into the DVD. In the sanctuary of your humble abode. Where you can center your chi and follow with a therapeutic hearty yell, hoot, and holler at the screen as you egg your favorite vigilante/hero/good/masterfighter guy on...

Snack recommendation: All-You-Can-Eat Japanese — seems so Seagal

Starring: Steven Seagal, DMX, Tom Arnold, Anthony Anderson, and many action star faces you'll be pointing out...

Directed by: Andrzej Bartkowiak

 

 

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