Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell,
Michael Clarke Duncan and Jon Favreau
Directed by: Mark Steven Johnson
in the immortal slang of Ben Affleck's hometown, is FRIGGIN'
RATAHDED! Okay you know you're heading into a comic book adaptation
right? So you don't expect too much. You tend to forgive a bad
plot, complete lack of character development and even allow
a few telegraphed scenes, you hope have been placed for the
younger audience members. But what you do expect is good action.
action in this piece of celluloid poop was so lame-o-rama it
made a Japanese 1983 Atari knockoff of a superhero game like
say, "Superiorman," look state of the art. In fact
so cheaply drawn were some of the graphics that Daredevil often
looked as graceful as a tidily wink hitting the side of a building.
And the choreography was like an arts funding deprived elementary
school production of "Morphoses." Just
on all involved. The ridiculous perfection of Jennifer "It
Girl" Garner's "Elektra" was out-loud laughable.
The kid has so many bad scenes but one really stands out. Elektra
was actually in pouring rain -doing her grating pout - and she
manages to stay bone dry. Hello? Hello? Script supervisor? Editor??
Affleck, sorry, but ya sucked.
originally was going to rip Colin Farrell a new arseway, but
then I remembered the over-the-top villains Jim Carrey, Jack
Nicholson and Danny DeVito brought us
I was calmed, briefly.
See, truth is we will buy an over dramatic bad guy in a campy
comic clip. We love them! But when the actor playing the villain
is up against a cardboard cutout actor like Affleck, it simply
makes any energy the bad guy expels cartoonish. Which of course
shouldn't be a bad thing in a COMIC BOOK FILM. Argh.
story goes a sad little boy, Matt Murdock (Scott Terra), catches
his washed up boxer dad (David Keith) strong-arming for extra
cash. As the kid freaks and takes off in distraught from the
awful scene, he has a horrible chemical accident which leaves
him blind. Before he and his father can really rebond...daddyo
gets bumped off for not throwing a fight.
Cut ahead and through all the sappy crappy over dramatic music
farting and the blind boy now has superhero powers. He grows
into a nice looking fella (Ben Affleck) with emotional baggage
resembling a set of monogrammed steamer chests. Determined to
fight evil he dons a flamboyant devil suit that looks like Stonewall
he-devil-sex-kitten leather gear (if you know what I mean and
I think that you do) and becomes -dada dada - Dorkdevil, err,
going along fighting crime and living in the shadows till he
meets (shocker) a girl. She's one tough chickbabe. Haha. In
fact she proves it by kungfuing his ass in the kiddy park when
he asks for her name. He's blind but that doesn't stop her.
Gosh, aint she sweet? He's smitten. Her name is Elektra ( Jennifer
Garner) and she also happens to be the head bad guy's daughter
- or is she - dada dada!
we're not here for Charlie Kaufman plots, but please please
this is so badly acted, and scripted the brain starts to hurt
for an escape from the head that makes it sit and stay.
anyone involved ever actually read a comic? Or even perhaps
it would have behooved the ensemble to rent a successful comic
book film like say, Spiderman, Batman or Superman?
Geeze. Hmm, but then again they must have since they STOLE about
a hundred scenes from them. The weirdest part is that even with
all the (let's even be nice here) " homages" to comic
films before it, how then did this stink worse than the leftover
omelet you stashed in the third fridge door only to discover
it three months later?
huge part of the sea of goop they served us was the failed action
fight scenes. They edited the bits so kinetically you're either
blinded by odd flashing lights or simply watching human mish
mosh thrash about to a putrid soundtrack. Who exactly watched
the dailies of the film and said, "Yeah, we gotta drop
another million for the roof scenes man"? Don't even make
me conjour up images of the multiple congruency errors - we'll
be here all day.
as if the wanker action and the horrific audio wasn't bad enough,
Daredevil had by far the boringest bad guys eva! Kingpin - who
in the comic is practically a giant, was absolutely not scary
in the least. The
role was attempted by Michael Clarke Duncan. He may be large
but he just doesn't give off good bad. He seemed a tad stockbrokerish.
Oh, but Kingpin did have the super cheesy cane of power. Ha.
It looked like a magic kit wand with a plexiglass ball on the
top that had an uncanny resemblance to a miniature snow globe
from the holiday discount bin at Hallmark.
Bullseye, played by Colin Farrell, was just a bald Irish guy
that had a really bad temper, a great throw and a MadMax fixation.
Of course part ah dat wasn't all actin' now twas it? Na fair
reader it wadn't. Colin Farrell who's usually a real hot slice
of raisin filled soda bread worthy of a wee toasting and slathering
in full cream butter
is simply crusty looking here and
frankly just off. Again, it could be because he thought
the rest of the cast was going to actually read the wafer thin
script and heighten the characters a pinch. Instead it appears
they chose to nosh on valiums and Quaaludes for their speaking
bits and leave the movement up to the animators. He almost looks
as if he's on the wrong set.
as interpreted by Ben Affleck? Don't get me friggin' stahhted!
Ben sucked in that horrid Sum of All Fears
aka the world's most erroneous nuclear disaster film ever
made and this movie just cements my distaste for the guy. It's
a good thing his personal life is going so well. Because hopefully
now he'll quit showbiz and start a family. Cruel? You didn't
just sit through two plus hours of tedious torture with his
patented one expression is all expressions performance! So judge
me not fair reader. Besides, he'd make a good dad
sorry for the minions that adore this Jennifer Garner here she
was not all that. Sure, the gal is the hottest TV star de Jour
with the hit show Alias, but here she had brought nothing to
the big screen but bright white teeth, big boobs and an annoying
pout. Maybe it was the director? I hope so. The production was
so cheesy it actually had her in some dress that looked as if
the costume department grabbed an industrial box of Reynolds's
Foil and whipped up an evening gown. Hideous.
Jon Favreau. He was saddled as Daredevil's "quirky"
comic relief partner, "Froggy." The sport did would
he could with the drivel they gave him. Such a talent
such a waste.
Joe Pantoliano plays the journalist with a heart under all his
smarm just fine. He gives good smarmy.
and Jersey Film fans will shrill with delight as normally talented
Kevin Smith has a brief cameo.
press notes claim director/writer Mark Steven Johnson wrote
Grumpier Old Men back in 93. I want to dig up his back
yard I tell you! I suspect there's a skeleton of the real author
of that character friendly flick rotting beneath the topsoil.
Either that or dub him the "Ed Wood of Comicbook Films!"
yourself a favor - don't see this.
Recommendation: Take out Thai and a rental; perhaps The