Starring Chow Yun Fat,
Directed by: Paul Hunter
Bullet Proof Monk is all about the action. I say that with a bit
of sadness because the story is just oh-so-done.
You probably know Chew Sum Fat (couldn't resist) of course I mean
Chow Yun-Fat, aka Notorious CYF, from his Hidden Dragon Crouching
Tiger phenomenon a few years ago, or as a recurring double gunned
villain in John Woo films, but in Hong Kong this man walks quietly
and carries a big wallet so I'm guessing he could have done a
lot better script-wise here.
Bullet Proof they decided to focus 99 percent on the action -
computer generated action - and use stock dialog from the UCLA
extension film school's "Buddy Film with a Master and Disciple
in the Making 101. " That tried and true A-Team obvious plot
where the "wise mystic one" just can not believe the
"young obnoxious one" before him is the "chosen
one" of those who came before him. There's lots of fortune
cookie style philosophy stirred into the wok of mediocre that
really makes ya recheck for the brightly lit exit signs within
the theater. Poor Chowie.
Story goes...the Monk With No Name (Chow Yun-Fat) has been guarding
the ancient scrolls that control the destiny of mankind for over
45 years from an evil nazi (Karel Rodin) hell bent on world domination
and eternal youth (yawn). Think Indiana Jones Asian style.
fleeing from the evil nazi's hoodlum's on the streets of modern
day New York, he is robbed by smooth pickpocket Kar (Seann William
Scott). When Monk follows Kar to a rumble of sorts the two (thanks
to plot motion) end up as cohorts. The monk starts to see things
about Kar that lead him to believe Kar is his chosen successor.
The next guard of the scrolls. The next Monk With No Name - and
Kar and Monk (not to be confused with Mork) meet up with Jade
(Jamie King). She's a tough chickbabe that has a kind of super
hero life....by day she's a square-o styled activist for the rights
of the exploited. By night jade sports black on black with black
hangs with a Mad Max like gang that dwells beneath the city and
idles away the hours with robberies and street fights...yes it's
stupid but the whole movie's stupid so just go with it.
When the evil Nazi finally gets control of the scroll the odd
trio must lay down some highly orchestrated and oddly coordinated
kick ass, all of which is, naturally, dolloped with the slo mo
twisty CGI all over the place. What ever happened to the real
martial artists? Argh.
the unlikely trio save the world? What do you think...I mean really.
Oh, I admit Chow Yun-Fat or should I say, Chow YUM Full-fat is
a handsome order of moo shu manbeef, but here? He's just the big
kinda goofy wise monk guy; enhanced by the wonderful world of
CGI every two seconds - natch. It's very annoying actually.
And this obnoxious upstart from the American Pies and Dude fame,
Seann William Scott (even if he's undecided on a friggitini name...)
is quite a slab of "Grade A Mansteak Patty"...though
when he smiles I swear he looks as if he's about to morph into
The Werewolf. Hey, it's about time for a remake of "I Was
a Teenage Werewolf?" Remember Willard
was a great success with its kismetal casting...but I digress...for
those into tight-tee-buff studly "Hollywood Smile" types
-like the shallow side of me - Seann alone is worth the ten buck
viewing fee. And sure BPM's dialog will have you snorffing down
concession industrials like there's no tomorrow but hot is hot
and hot is better on a sixty foot screen!
My mother always says, "If you have nothing nice to say blame
the director." Here I am. This pretty lass, Jamie King, was
lame-o-rama. She was so pivotal yet given the emotional range
of a gnat. No way is it the actor here folks. This reeks of director's
(erroneous) vision of a sultry chickbabe with attitude. He should
have watched Charlie's Angels and studied Drew Barrymore on and
off the screen. Dweeb.
You dig special effects? See this but be ready for generic plot
and way over the top cheeseball comedy quips. For martial art
fans? BPM is not old school by any means. For those not so keen
on yet more non-stop action stitched loosely with unlikely partners
and forced sexual tention accented with corny dialog that actually
seems to thump when it finishes? Wait for the rental.
Snack recommendation: Cocopuffs©