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Blade TrinityBlade Trinity

Starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds, Parker Posey, Dominic Purcell, and Kris Kristofferson
Directed by: David S Goyer

 

Bluntly speaking? Blade Trinity's a healthy portion of yecky-poo poo. You know one doesn't go into a sci-fi vampire movie with hopes of plot and linear expertise on mind…but one does expect a certain caliber of vampire and gothic action. Here you get none of that bruhaha.

Story goes… Blade's (Wesley Snipes) is back. While innocently pursuing his day job, err, night job, of ridding the world of vampires that feed among us, he is framed by a headchick vampire (Parker Posey) for the murder of a regular human. She supplies the FBI with a videotape of the slaughter and they're pretty mad.

The FBI catches him, and wants some answers. And none of that "I help humans stay safe from the secret order of vampires roaming the Earth" crap. But before they can say, "Hey that guy has no reflection over there" a team of vampire hunters, The Nightstalkers, led by Abigail (Jessica Biel) and Hannibal (Ryan Reynolds) come to Blade's rescue.

Meanwhile over in the vampire camp…. they've unearthed Dracula (Dominic Purcell) from an ancient resting ground in hopes of using his blood to strengthen their breed. Seems they've "weakened" what with all the human inter-breeding and such.

It's okay so far right? Ah, dear readers but it's going nowhere I assure you.

We watch as the slow-motion battles and throw away one-liners pile up on the screen, and plot faux pas with holes so big you could hide a Hummer in their pockets are stitched through. The movie starts to get stuck in a placenta-like goop of repeated scenes and dull action sequences.

Poor Wesley Snipes. He's such a chocodelicious serving of yumcake and had such promise. Here he is reduced to a Prozacian kung-fuing half-vampire half-human therapists' dream. The head vampire chick, played by Parker Posey, is hilarious - though I don't think that's exactly what they intended. Parker, not normally an unattractive gal, is woof-brand feed here; she looks as if Iggy Pop (circa 1974) and Keith Richards (circa 1969) created her in some mad home-studio DNA lab - using themselves as donors...Ryan Reynolds as the ever-wisecracking Hannibal is a breath of fresh air - visually. Dear gawd is this guy manlyberry treatmuffin-esque. But even his uber-buff build can't keep you from glancing for the welcomed illumination of the theater's exit signs…and the gal-lovin' within the audience will be lulled into visual bliss by Jessica Biel. She's extra fit here, and they even throw in an obligatory, "Wow, does this movie suck! QUICK, confuse them with sex" shower scene, for ya!

Don't waste your evening. It's the holidays and the studios are rushing out films for Oscar nods. There are so very many films to chose from…it's best we pretend this one just never opened.


Snack recommendation: Dinner en route to another film.


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