Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds, Parker Posey, Dominic
Purcell, and Kris Kristofferson
Directed by: David S Goyer
speaking? Blade Trinity's a healthy portion of yecky-poo
poo. You know one doesn't go into a sci-fi vampire movie with
hopes of plot and linear expertise on mind
but one does expect
a certain caliber of vampire and gothic action. Here you get none
of that bruhaha.
Blade's (Wesley Snipes) is back. While innocently pursuing
his day job, err, night job, of ridding the world of vampires
that feed among us, he is framed by a headchick vampire (Parker
Posey) for the murder of a regular human. She supplies the FBI
with a videotape of the slaughter and they're pretty mad.
FBI catches him, and wants some answers. And none of that "I
help humans stay safe from the secret order of vampires roaming
the Earth" crap. But before they can say, "Hey that
guy has no reflection over there" a team of vampire hunters,
The Nightstalkers, led by Abigail (Jessica Biel) and Hannibal
(Ryan Reynolds) come to Blade's rescue.
over in the vampire camp
. they've unearthed Dracula (Dominic
Purcell) from an ancient resting ground in hopes of using his
blood to strengthen their breed. Seems they've "weakened"
what with all the human inter-breeding and such.
okay so far right? Ah, dear readers but it's going nowhere I assure
watch as the slow-motion battles and throw away one-liners pile
up on the screen, and plot faux pas with holes so big you could
hide a Hummer in their pockets are stitched through. The
movie starts to get stuck in a placenta-like goop of repeated
scenes and dull action sequences.
Wesley Snipes. He's such a chocodelicious serving of yumcake and
had such promise. Here he is reduced to a Prozacian kung-fuing
half-vampire half-human therapists' dream. The head vampire chick,
played by Parker Posey, is hilarious - though I don't think
that's exactly what they intended. Parker, not normally an unattractive
gal, is woof-brand feed here; she looks as if Iggy Pop (circa
1974) and Keith Richards (circa 1969) created her in some mad
home-studio DNA lab - using themselves as donors...Ryan Reynolds
as the ever-wisecracking Hannibal is a breath of fresh air - visually.
Dear gawd is this guy manlyberry treatmuffin-esque. But even his
uber-buff build can't keep you from glancing for the welcomed
illumination of the theater's exit signs
and the gal-lovin'
within the audience will be lulled into visual bliss by Jessica
Biel. She's extra fit here, and they even throw in an obligatory,
"Wow, does this movie suck! QUICK, confuse them with sex"
shower scene, for ya!
waste your evening. It's the holidays and the studios are rushing
out films for Oscar nods. There are so very many films to chose
it's best we pretend this one just never opened.
Snack recommendation: Dinner en route to another film.